Bipolar Life and the Twisted Powers of Character, Society and Self Knowledge.

Living a Successful and Satisfying life with Bipolar Disorder, took 15 years of my life, thinking many times I'd be better of dead. Not because I really wanted to leave friends and family, but mostly because I'd be out of energy, to go on another exhausting day, getting annoyed by that Bipolar Voice inside, always reminding me of my sensibility to daily stress.

Until I got diagnosed at the age of 23, I had a rather plane view of life in general. The worst I could think of was living on my own, I didn't tolerate criticism of anyone in particular and I was compulsive in many ways. Next to that I was a perfectionist and a control freak, with the character of a passionate Latina.

Furthermore I was highly sensitive to the opinions of other people, I was raised by my adoptive parents with the emphasis on high expectations and the fear of making any kind of mistake, which let me to believe any kind of failure in life was unacceptable.

I was to become a successful person, earning my respect through the amount of money I made, the amount of children I had given birth to, the 200 % of dedication to my husband, never complaining about the lack of sex and interest in me. Future sacrifices I would make, in order to be seen as that successful woman of all times, hiding inside what really motivated me to live.

As you can see, my personality was an interesting mix of characteristics, making it quite easy to get into trouble. Combined with Bipolar Disorder, I could become that person looking for any kind of confrontation, provoking people close to me, to show them my ugly self.

Like a magnifying glass, Bipolar Disorder exaggerated my negative characteristics to break down the other person, not leaving any opening for defense, being perfectly capable of demanding the other person to listen to what I had to say. Being hypo-maniacal for the very first time in life, I remember being flabbergasted about the impact, my powerful words had on people.

So it won't come as a surprise to you, how many friendships I ruined and how I had trouble in my relationships with men. Let alone the damage I caused to the strong relationship I had with my brother and the effects of all of my maniacal stages throughout the years, on the fragile bond I had with my parents.

As I write in my first Hub Love to be Bipolar! From isolation to success. I am a stubborn woman, making it very difficult to accept a certain change in life. Accepting Bipolar Disorder is one thing, but changing your life style is another very complicated process.

At first I didn't accept my disorder at all, skipped medication whenever I wanted and therefore risked new episodes, which I didn't see coming at all. You must remember, I was under the impression for a long long time, that I was in a bad stage in life, something that would pass if I waited as long as I could.

The image I had of myself in those days, was exactly the opposite of my goal to succeed in life as a successful woman and it was to become much worse in the summer of 1999.

When a patient in Holland gets hospitalized against his own free will, they have the possibility to defend themselves against a judge. You ask a judge to undo custody and promise to proceed therapy by your own free will, leaving the hospital only when ready and sane.

Using my maniacal powers of speech, I knew exactly how to manipulate these judges, giving me the chance to run away as soon as I could. Therefore I went in and out of hospitals, abusing this right I had as a patient, threatening staff members with a lawsuit if they didn't open the door. That summer I walked out more than once, to wander the streets of numerous Dutch cities, feeling free as a bird and untouchable like never before.

The following story is one I have told numerous times to explain new friends in life, that I indeed came a long way, before landing in the life of that strong and happy woman I am now. Mostly I tell this story with a grin on my face. Nothing you read has been made up.

While walking around the Department of Justice in The Hague, I was noticed by some policemen asking me what I was doing at the entrance of the car park, stopping cars by raising my hand, as if I was a strict teacher. This is what I said:

"I'm an important spy, working for President Bush, who informed me through satellites to stop every car that comes out of this parking, to write down their license plate. They are planning to kill The American President!"

The policeman told me what a great job I was doing, meanwhile looking over at his partner with a worried face. Since I didn't know where I lived and where to sleep, they offered me a ride to the station.....and locked me up.

Yes, I was psychotic and maniacal, totally out of touch with reality, not having any clue of who I was and what I was doing. A danger to society and myself, in need of a safe environment without the impulses of normal daily life. Funny enough I felt awesome in jail, thinking I was treated like a VIP, because I was protecting mister Bush.

Two hours later I arrived by ambulance at the mental hospital in The Hague and got into a fight with the staff, over an orange I wanted to eat. It wasn't mine but I insisted. After all I was a Very Important Person. No one could refuse me anything. The level of my madness and my reluctance to give in, finally made me end up in isolation. Summer was really over!

The judge I met after one week in isolation, offered me to undo custody, again. I was allowed to stay on my own free will, only with the following promise. "If you run away again, I'll catch you and put you away for half a year in custody, since you seem to be a little stubborn and ready to die."

I stayed the next three months, hating every second of it, promising myself this would never happen again. Playtime was over. It was time to face Bipolar and get myself treated for once and for all.

Why share such intimate details of a life I once led? Why display parts of my madness on the world wide web using Hubpages? Because I hope to encourage the ones that still suffer from Bipolar Disorder, to open up and forget about the stigma.

Although you might feel ashamed, you'll be amazed about the reactions you get from people applauding you for being so open about it. Prejudices, stigmas, different career possibilities and harsh opinions will always be a part of the world you're living in. Getting angry over it or wanting that to change is a whole lot of energy into nothingness.

Now to get fully understood by your loved ones, is a true gift and worth the energy in many cases. Something that will only happen if you dare to open up. In that way, people surrounding you will learn about the complex relationship between your character, Bipolar and everything else you are as a person.

One of the hardest things for me while accepting my Bipolar Disorder, was to face the person I had become before running around like a mad woman. It's much easier to look into the mirror when you're 21 and say: "You're hot. You're friendly. You're loving. You're sweet."

It's horrible to come home one day after speaking to your psychologist, looking into the mirror and telling yourself: "You're not sweet at all. You're mean, manipulative and extremely stubborn." That's when reality hits you and that's where you can really start to work your way up.

I'm not that fierce woman because I did some therapy, took my pills and that was it. And I'm still manipulative, far from perfect and you can get me in a corner easily, for not being right. The only difference? I learned to love my all. The perfectionist is still there, the control freak too but I learned to let go of an image put in my mind, by society, upbringing, education and media.

Embracing your negative characteristics can be as difficult as accepting you're Bipolar Disorder, but if you do, you will benefit from the self knowledge it gives you in order to turn the suffering into REAL STABILITY. Not the stability in between episodes but the stability of years without any episodes at all.

The question really is: "How do you get motivated to turn your life around?" Mine was the story I shared with you all above. Remembering how close I got to dying, motivated me to stop my addiction to the highs of my maniacal episodes and is therefore a memory I want to keep alive. Not because of the shame I felt years afterwards, but there will be moments throughout my life, in which I need to tell myself: "You don't wanna go back there, do you?"

Since I don't want to leave you all in the dark, I'd like to get into the real reasons for the happy and stable life I live right now. From 1999 this is what I've been doing to get my act together:

1. I lived for a year in a community for people with all sorts of mental illnesses, learning how to re-socialize after having been hospitalized for a long time.
2. My personal coach in this community, developed a crisis care plan with me, making it easier to understand my triggers in daily life, that can cause my episodes.
3. From this community, I went to an apartment of my own, speaking every two weeks to an extremely good psychologist, a job-coach and a psychiatrist. The sessions with them were brought down to every two months in the end and I have been seeing them over a period of eight years.
4. I followed two intensive training modules of R.P. Liberman, to learn about anti-psychotic medication and coping with Psychosis and Bipolar Disorder, with the emphasis on living your life as independent as possible. I followed both training modules in one year, going to this therapy twice a week.
5. As a result of those training modules, I monitored myself daily by two different charts, to get a very good picture of my warning signs and lasting symptoms. I kept doing this for three years, filling in these charts before going to bed.
6. I joined a support-group for Bipolar people, became a member of their magazine and later joined the editorial staff, writing about Bipolar Disorder.
7. I was obliged by the Dutch government, still paying my pension for disabled persons, to follow three different training modules, to re-socialize and to find a suitable job. After three trainings I did.
8. I insisted to get of Lithium and Risperdal, trying to convince my psychiatrist for years because of the horrific side effects, finally starting with Carbamazepine and Seroquel in 2003. As a result I lost the 30 extra kilos and gained a lot more self esteem.
9. In 2007 I decided to live my life as a single woman, travelling around the world on my own, to finally emigrate to Spain where the sunny climate has a positive effect on my mood swings.
10. I never gave up on mental health care, even though I spoke to a lot of worthless professionals before 1999. Those whom I could manipulate in a second.
11. I made sure to surround myself with positive people in life even though that meant being alone without friends for years. Better to have no friends than friends who do drugs or too much alcohol. I also learned to stay away from ex-patients I met before, since many of them relapsed, clinging on to someone who's improving his/her life.
12. And last but not least. I changed my life style completely! Something to get into much deeper than I will do now.