Losing my Virginity Over and Over

I am a virgin without a doubt. I am compulsive, I need structure, I like cleaning, I'm caring and demanding. Some people (close friends) would say I'm high maintenance, so yes, I am a virgin without a doubt. Born 26th of August 1973 I started my life as this innocent, ignorant human being, not knowing how much I would live up to the life of a real virgin, slash Virgo.

One's virginity and losing it, is a whole lot more than 'doing it' for the very first time. At least that's the way I see it. Thirteen I was when my senses seemed to notice the guys. Starting the innocent but ever so exciting games, hoping the one you liked, would hold your hand in the cinema. Darkness, a movie and my beating heart.

Fourteen I was when I 'finally' lost my virginity. "Are you kidding me?" I thought. "Is this worth all the fuzz?" To me it was a filthy experience, far from delightful, no moaning and groaning like in those movies I saw, and a smell
so intense of a badly washed penis.
I wasn't lucky but then again who was?

We imagine losing our virginity as something beautiful and special, waiting in vain for the wetness you need, because stress ruins everything and our young and inexperienced bodies go with a flow we don't even
know how to recognize. Up and
down he moves, in and out he goes.

I am so happy to be 38, knowing my body and understanding the difference between one-night stands and love. Still every now and then I keep losing my virginity for being introduced to a world I never knew before. Feeling the anxiety of that fourteen year old girl, curious to see what's behind the fence, who's going to cross my path, wondering where life will take me next.

Losing your virginity must be one of the scariest things in life, knowing you will never be the same after. Your first day at kindergarten, your first school-trip
away from home, your first brace,
your first kiss.

That first time my insurance doctor told me: "You are Bipolar and you will never work full-time again." The impact of his statement, the look on my dad's face sitting beside me, that shock in his eyes, that whole in my heart.

I lost the innocence of a young woman, having taken life for granted until then, being taught by life itself, what it's like to have real worries instead of having unimportant, sentimental needs. Losing your virginity is losing part of who you are, getting the chance to reinvent yourself whether you want to or not. The change is irreversible.

I clearly remember my first day in a mental hospital, crying out loud when seeing my parents leave. I bounced the windows of that front door, shouting at them for leaving me behind. How could they? I never was the same person after. Now I know they had to lock me up, safely tucked away from the outside society.

Just like I clearly remember leaving them behind, all of us crying, along with some friends. At the airport of Amsterdam I was about to lose my virginity as an emigrant, moving to Spain. Moving to a world full of uncertainty. What if I couldn't find my way? What if I got robbed? What if I wouldn't make any friends? What if I would meet the love of my life? Questions I never really thought of. I just went and followed my road.

By travelling on my own, years before finally going to Spain, I lost my virginity as a single-woman-traveler. It made me understand how easy life in fact was. You open your world, flexibility comes in and little by little you get addicted to
this enormous force you seem to have inside.

A force that pushed me into the right direction, enabling me to always trust on my instincts. A force I feel is within all of us, only to be discovered if you dare challenge yourself. After being hospitalized many times, I needed to re-socialize myself back into modern day society. I needed to challenge myself in overcoming simple fears.

That fear of being around people you don't know, the anxiety I felt when entering a room, people staring at me, my heart racing, my hands shaking, ready to paralyze my everyday life. Going to a birthday party, taking the train to a friend, doing my groceries or taking a walk through the park. I felt I had survived a car accident and I had ended up in the invisible wheelchair. How do I walk? How do I eat? How do I drink? How do I live?

Do you let fear stand in the way of your inner hopes and dreams? Do you stay in your house for not having friends? Do you want to be part of this world for real?

Then what about losing your virginity today? You know by now what I mean of course. I can't hold your hand and drag you to that restaurant you like. Invite yourself, dress up, smile and close your front-door. Enjoy that dinner on your own, don't pay attention to those who pity you and go from there. Step by step.

You don't have to move to Spain like I did. Just be wild once in a while. Surprise yourself. Buy yourself a toy. Ask which one brings you most likely to heaven and back. Take the advice seriously and go back home to treat yourself instead of eating another After-eight chocolate. No one is looking. No one is judging. Just you, getting yourself into ecstasy, losing control and feeling free as a bird.

Trust me, you'll live longer and happier. It has been proven though I never participated in such a study. Honestly!