Thank God, I Don't Have Children!
75
THIS IS WHY A WOMAN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER CHOOSES FOR STERILIZATION AT THE AGE OF 30.
After writing my Hub Babies or Stability? Bipolar women and Heartbreaking choices I left some of you in the dark, wondering how on earth I was able to choose for something so definite. After all, I still lived in a world being single, making my chance in finding the RIGHT GUY, practically impossible.
Most interesting men I met later....... wanted BABIES! A traditional family and a stressful life. Other men already had their traditional divorce, and loved to share their sweet children with me. Didn't think so! Deep down inside, I knew it would be stupid having children in my life, period. Lucky for me, I had a choice at least, making FREEDOM in life as one of the biggest advantages, giving me endless possibilities, to create another kind of happiness.
After all I realize, how lots of women get pregnant, never having had a mental problem at all. When they give birth to their child, they can get heavy depressions or psychosis, finding out later, they do have a mental illness. By giving birth to their first or second child, they simply triggered the first symptoms of it. Now there's no way back, and the possibility of having shared that time-bomb with their baby, is most certain. Tough luck indeed.
All those women who are thinking of getting pregnant with Bipolar Disorder, not having any children of their own yet, could be in the middle of a very complicated thinking process. I went through it for at least two years. Let me share my thoughts and questions with you, as they were all significant to my final decision.
A strong man and a dedicated partner
- Where do I find a guy who wants to be with a Bipolar woman like me? Will he endure my mood swings anyway, before we decide having children?
- If I find him, how many years will it take, before we start to talk about babies? Will he be ready for fatherhood, knowing my Bipolar Disorder has been so destructive?
- Can I expect him to support me, take over when necessary and send me to a mental hospital, if reasonable communication is no longer a possibility and hospitalization is absolutely important?
- If I would be a danger to my own child, will he recognize that and take action?
- Can I ask him to do most of the parenting on his own, the first four years? These are the hardest years in any new family, but in my case I need to be able to take a break if necessary.
- Will our relationship survive my mood swings, possible new hospitalizations and common daily stress?
- If we divorce, where does my child end up? With me? With him? Or worse?
The answer: I simply didn't have a dedicated partner. I was very good at choosing partners with multiple problems themselves, thanks to the lack of confidence and my very low self esteem. I had lost all that, along my Bipolar Way and getting it back, would cost me a lot of time, therapy and break-ups over the years.
Medication and stability
- Can I stay of my medication, during pregnancy and during breastfeeding, without losing my mind again?
- If I have to take my medication, can I harm the fetus because of that?
- If so, do I want to raise a child with serious health issues?
- If I can take my medication without risking the health of the fetus, will I confess to my partner that I didn't do so? A mother's instinct can make you decide differently, forgetting accidentally to take your medication.
- What will I do if I get unstable? I will have to take more medication and harm the fetus because of the increase. Do I lose myself or do I lose my baby?
The answer: Staying of my medication, was never an option! I need my Carbamazepine and my Seroquel as much as I need a structured life, to keep real stability. The side effects of my medication to a fetus, are horrific. In other words. What's poison to my unborn child, is life saving to me!
I never considered changing my medication, even if it would help me to get 'safely' pregnant. I am happy with the ones I have, after searching for the right combination for six long years!
Breastfeeding and attachment
- Can I breastfeed my baby while taking medication?
- How do I cope with the lack of sleep in the first year?
- What if I get into a psychosis just after birth, end up in a mental hospital, and miss out on the first important months of my baby?
- What will be the impact on my child later, when the important process of attachment, will be interrupted for a long time?
- What if I get deeply depressed, not feeling any love for my baby, therefore not being able to feel attached to my new born?
The answer: Breastfeeding with my medication is no option. I take too much and I always need eleven hours of sleep a night. Being adopted myself, the process of attachment to my biological mother, got interrupted. It definitely made me a different person. I always felt I had to face life on my own. It made me feel lonely for a long time in life.
The risk of developing a psychosis or a depression after giving birth to my child, is much higher because of my type of Bipolar Disorder. I wasn't willing to take that risk. The prospect of any new hospitalization, as a result of a new and heavy episode, gave me the shivers too.
The mother's worries
- Will my child go through the same hell, as I went through?
- Will I be looking day by day, for any possible sign of Bipolar Disorder?
- Will I be able to relax about it, instead of being that unbearable, over concerned mother?
- Will I be up for motherhood and the lifelong responsibility?
- Can I deal with the constant dangers in a child's life in general?
- How guilty will I feel, when he gets maniacal the first time?
- Am I strong enough to cope with the possible hospitalizations of my own child?
- How will I cope with the prejudices he will face in life, being labeled forever?
- Will my child, survive the way I did after a long and difficult journey?
The final answer:
I'm a control freak and I'm Bipolar. Meaning I will not be able to relax about anything, if it concerns the mental health of my child. I will be that unbearable, over concerned mother, afraid of every step he takes, smothering him with my love and bringing him up in fear of what might happen.
Back then, I could hardly deal with my own life, let alone take care of another human being, taking responsibility for him, as long as I lived. I simply didn't want anyone to suffer from this serious illness, having to carry so much stigma and prejudice around. Needing intensive therapy to recover from all that, without the real guarantee that he would end up happy and stable, like I did.
I'll just never forget the tears on my mother's face, when the door closed of that mental hospital, leaving me standing there, behind the window, crying my eyes out, thinking she left me there to rot in hell. I bounced on the windows, demanding her to come back, screaming how I hated her and scared to the bone, for it was my first hospitalization. I followed every step of my mum and dad, until they disappeared behind the trees. I was devastated ......and so were they.
The outcome of doubts, prayers and smart thinking
Most of the questions I asked myself, didn't get the answer I was looking for. Throughout the whole process of coming to that final decision, I could rely on my family and friends, to brainstorm with me and help me find my way, through the impossible maze of thoughts I had.
My psychologist and my psychiatrist, always have been very supportive, never trying to convince me, not to follow the road of motherhood. They simply informed me about the risks with my type of Bipolar Disorder, telling me honestly that we know very little about this illness anyway. It will take decades to find out more about Bipolar Disorder, let alone inform us about it, in order to make wise decisions for the future.
According to my gynecologist, I was very young to decide for sterilization, especially since I wanted the type of 'no return'. After thinking so many years, confident of my choice, I found it to be an extra burden, to rethink everything again in whatever future. I simply embraced the fact that, to me children weren't meant to be.
My own mother (who wasn't able to have children of her own and adopted me) was extremely proud of my decision. Knowing how much she would have liked to be a grandmother herself, she understood completely, why I wasn't able to give her that beautiful gift. We often spoke about God and his part in my decision, asking her all the time, why me?
Being almost 38, stable, happy and strong like never before, I am sure my quality of life, has got everything to do with my decision back then. Of course I hoped for all the right answers, just to be a normal mother, with a normal life and a normal marriage, but life sometimes challenges you to choose something different. My prayers for strength did help me somehow, and why me? I guess I was up for such a task, not knowing then, how strong I would prove to be as a person later in life.
- Living & Dealing With a Bipolar Mother
A true story based on my experience living with a bipolar mother. Contains graphic content. - Parenting with Bipolar Disorder
This hub is written to answer the question: Isn't it selfish to want to have children, when you're diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder?
Cats, sun, love and freedom!
So, now I live my abnormal good and sunny life in Spain, with my strong, handsome and dedicated sweetheart, who doesn't want to have children, thank God! I can have a steady and loving relationship, being the woman who knows what she can handle, feeling completely in control of my own happiness.
When I moved to beautiful Valencia, I left my two cats behind in Holland, sobbing over them for three days because they were mine for thirteen long and wonderful years. So as soon as I could, I saved two stray cats from a Spanish shelter, now living the life of a prince and a princess with me. They play, sleep, fight, eat, drink, poop and pee, without me getting crazy over it. Well...I don't like them scratching the new couch, but I'm a strict Catmummy, so they won't be doing that again. (I wish)
Every day when I come home after a long and hard day in the sun (I'm so lucky) they greet me with a flavor of new goodies in their toilet, I strike their heads and praise them for being such a good boy, even if I'm talking to my female cat. They don't care, as long as I love them, caress them, feed and protect them.
And I will. Always. With LOVE!
|
The Bipolar Child: The Definitive and Reassuring G
Current Bid: $1.00
|
|
The Bipolar Child: The Definitive and Reassuring Guide to Childhood's Most...
Current Bid: $10.00
|
|
The Bipolar Child: The Definitive and Reassuring Guide to Childhood's Most Misun
Current Bid: $5.98
|
vote upvote downshareprintflag
- Useful (9)
- Funny
- Awesome (5)
- Beautiful (11)
- Interesting (5)
CommentsLoading...
I'm glad to read your comment, knowing you're happy with your three kids even though it must have been really hard, not knowing about your Bipolar.
Now that you know, it must have been difficult to decide not to have any more kids. These decisions aren't the ones you should have to make as a woman, but you did so I can only praise for doing something so courageous.
Like I wrote in my Hub. I had a choice because I knew what I had. I just wish you to find a good way to cope with Bipolar Disorder and life in general.
We are getting challenged more than others to make life worth it, but I'm confident that anyone is able to reach good quality in daily life. So will your children, as they deserve the same chances in life like anyone else.
Best wishes and feel free to ask me anything:-)
XXX Escobana
:) I am really happy, but i knew from about the age of 12 there was something not right but at the age of 17 i had my first child and it was hard work but i wanted to do right by my kids something my mother/father never done with me. My life has been one big struggle but i am getting there slowly. We are getting challenged hun, i always worry that my kids with grow up with the bipolar but i try my hardest to give them a life of normality the best i can. I hide so much of my mental health from them! That is a challenge in its self!
Thanks again for sharing this and same goes to you :)
x
It seems that you have got a great insight into your disease.
You express yourself so well. You wrote that my poem about ballet was beautiful. well, your writing is beautiful, the way you express yourself. What you did was brave, unselfish, and responsible. You seem like a happy person who knows her own mind. I loved reading your profile. I like your sense of humor. I plan on following you, too. Voted beautiful, useful, and UP!
My children were born before my diagnosis. We tried for a very long time to make it work. I am one who does not respond to medications well. It has taken thirteen years to find a combination that works well. Unfortunately, that was time enough to reek havoc in my family's life. To the point that now, my ex-wife and children don't want me to even contact them. I completely understand why you made the decision that you did. I am very glad to have been a father. Now, I can only hope my daughter is not going to be affected. My son is autistic and that used to eat at me. Especially, since I found out that there is a study going on that links the two. However, he is the sweetest young man and having been around for most of his life really helped me see what is truly important in life. Bipolar is no joke. I hope people reading this will come away with a new perspective. I am finally getting stable and you give me hope. There maybe happiness out there for me, after all.
To Greenblood...I indeed reached a certain point in my life, where I decided, enough is enough. That's when I started to find out anything about Bipolar Disorder and what I could do to prevent new episodes.
I followed intensive trainings of an American called R.P. Liberman. These trainings made all the difference to my stabilitity and understanding of such a complex illness.
Dear Victoria,
Thanks so much for a beautiful comment like this! The unselfish part of my decision, often gave me the strength to go through with it. My sense of humor has helped me more than once to seek for the light sight of Bipolar Disorder.
When you can truly laugh about your own misery, you've reached some kind of balance in accepting, that life didn't went completely the way you wanted.
Yes....I'm truly happy and blessed for reaching this state of mind. A pieceful one:-)
Dear Yeshuan,
I'm absolutely convinced there's happiness for all of us with Bipolar Disorder. I'm sorry to hear you've been cut off from your ex-wife and children. Unfortunately I know all about the destructive side of BD and have lost contact for over a year with my brother back then and I tried to break all contact with my parents when I was maniacal.
It's hard to forget about the words that have been said. Damage has been done already. Especially your family needs all the time they can get to forgive. In the end my family forgave me but the relationship with my brother never really healed from it.
I hope you find a way to keep your stability because I know from experience, the longer you're stable, the more you can rely on your stability, giving your life the extra quality it deserves.
Thanks for your sincere comment:-)
You are a gift! And all the children in the world you might have had biologically could never have made you any better, stronger, more loving, or gracious.
Keep writing for the benefit of all, Escobana, as in the process, you will be helping yourself, too. I know you know this; it's in your words, actions, and your lovely "Being."
And while you are kicking BPD's butt, YOU will be remembering always, always to...love and smile 8>)
Nan
Ooooowwwwww Nan. You're so sweet and kind a friend! Thanks so much for your beautiful words! I know you know me well:-)
I appreciate any of your comments, for they gave me the motivation and the power to keep on writing the way I do.
You mean a whole lot to me!
Love Escobana
I truly enjoyed reading this hub. It was an eye opener for me as to the struggles and questions those with bipolar disorder face. It takes courage an strength to go forward and do what you know is best for you without letting the pressures of society push you in a different direction.
Thanks you so much Jwhitman! Great to read you enjoyed my Hub even though it's about a heavy topic.
Society did push me into directions I didn't like, when I was younger but I'm so happy I can handle that ongoing pressure. The thing is...society doesn't change.
You can! So I hope to reach out to more and more people along my time here on Hubpages, to inspire them and find the courage to choose what's best for you.
Good hub with lots of info.
You are a great writer, I'm a follower
Thanks so much for your comment:-) Hope you'll like the other Hubs too. Thanks for following! Appreciate your effort of reading my Hub:-)
Congratulations on your nomination. You have to do what is right for you and there are lots of women who have no intention of having children for a variety of reasons, some medical, some life circumstances and others. I have no wish to have children.
I wish some people would seriously think about waht type of parents they would be and if they could handle the responsibility before they had children. I see plenty of bad parents who are bad for a numbver of reasons. It is a major job and one that really continues even after the children move out of the house. You never stop worrying about them.
I loved this hub.
Not only are you a great writer, with excellent organization throughout the whole of this write; but you know who you are. (It's so rare!)
I find you interesting, and quite smart; bipolar issues as well as depression is a growing problem for so many. They are tough things to live with, nevermind grow from.
You, my dear, are amazing.
That's awesome, Escobana. I really enjoyed that hub!
Hi Florabeen:-)
Thanks for your comment and your congratulations on my nomination! I agree there are more women out there, not wanting children for several reasons.
I'm very much in piece with the fact that I don't have to carry such a responsibility. I love my friend's children a lot and when I go home, I feel relieved I can leave them behind, knowing they will be taking care of in a very good way.
OMG Sexpressions! You are to kind to make me start my day with such a wonderful comment!
It's true that I know myself quite well, which helps me out a lot in deciding wisely when it comes to being Bipolar.
Bipolar Disorder made me a better person in the end even though it took me a whole lot of therapy. I have to say I did find a very good psychologist in Holland, being responsible as well for my improvement on coping with BD.
Thanks again for your beautiful comment! It sure motivates me a lot!
Wonderful hub with so much insight. I to suffer from bipolar but was not diagnosed until 6 years ago after I had my son. I am fortunate enough to be on medicine that keeps me stable, but bravo to you for making a descision that was right for you and for any child that you may have had. Here is to your continued health!
Absolutely brilliant, Escobana, wow. What an insightful and beautifully written hub, and precisely the type of content that makes HubPages so great. I really enjoyed reading this, and applaud you for making such a difficult decision - it takes a very strong person to make the choice you did, and I think a lot of us can benefit from reading this.
Congratulations on your nomination - well deserved, and certainly deserving of a win.
Best of luck, and regardless of how our battle turns out, you've absolutely earned yourself another follower :)
Voted up and beautiful. Really, really well done.
Hi Heather McMillan!
Here's to your stability and to your lovely comment as well! I read how you suffer from Bipolar. I hope the suffering comes to an end, your stability will last longer and longer to be happy in life, like I am.
Your son must have a wonderful dad! Thanks for following and commenting. I really do appreciate your voice on my Hub:-)
This is worth a price. Beautifully written and well explained. Great job
Hi Josh!
Thanks so much for all of your warm compliments:-) I'm blushing here behind my screen! Hard to see with my color LOL.
Isn't it fun to see what happens in this battle, while earning myself a new follower through it all?
Thanks so much for your sincere comment! I'm still blushing:-)
@ Ubanich....
Wouldn't it be great to win huh? Thanks for your compliments! I'm your follower now:-)
What a brave and selfless decision you made. Society puts so much pressure put on women to grow up, get married, and have children. Kudos to you for having the foresight to know the potential challenges that you might face as a mother and the decisions that your potential mate may have to make. If is rare to find someone with such confidence in oneself as you have expressed here. Congratulations on your ability to manage your disease and may you have continued success with it. Congrats also on your nomination and welcome to Hubpages!
Hi Cardelean:-)
Society indeed puts a lot of pressure on us women. I feel fortunate for being able to have made such a choice. The confidence I needed to act this way is explained better in my latest Hub.
Thanks for the congrats on my nomination and many thanks for your motivating comment!
You are still my bravest soul mate!
N.
You are still my dearest and best friend! Muaahhh! Me...
I hear so much about bipolar and know how challenging it can be. I too believe that you have made a wise decision and this is very helpful to those who are on the same boat. Thanks so much for sharing your heart and life.
Congratulations on your Hubnuggets nomination from ripplemaker and the Hubnuggets team. To read and vote, this way please: http://enellelamb.hubpages.com/_hubnuggets6/hub/A- Best of luck!
i live your writing is so wonderful i love it
Hi Ripplemaker!
So welcome to share my heart up here:-) Loved your Hub about this week's Hubnugget! Thanks for the congratulations:-) It's wednesday today! How exciting!
Hi Escobana,
I see you didn't make the decision lightly to get sterilized at such a young age.
I never had a desire to have children. Many people say it's selfish or that I don't like children. That is so far from the truth.
I applaud you for doing what was right for you.
Voted up and awesome.
Hi Sueswan:-)
It did take some work and time before deciding to get sterilized but I'm really happy I did.
For years and years I've seen the advantages of not having children. Nothing selfish in it if you decide not to have them, for different reasons.
It's wonderful if you know exactly what makes you happy and what doesn't. Freedom is a beautiful thing and we still have a lot of that. Children of friends can be wonderful for a while and then you go home...back to your freedom of life.
I applaud you as well for choosing what you thought was best for you. A lot of people have a hard time finding out in general, what makes their heart beat faster:-)
Thanks for you lovely comment! Makes me happy:-)
I found your hub touching and encouraging. I faced a lot of criticism when I chose to have a family at a young age. Some of my relatives thought I was throwing my life away by marrying and having children at the age of eighteen; because they thought I should have put college and a career first. Twenty-one years later, I am still married and both of my children are doing great. (They both graduated and are living their life as they wish.) As for myself, my husband and I just purchased our own business. I wrote a book-that is collecting dust in a folder-and someday hope to publish it. I enjoy writing in my spare time, along with hanging out here on HP.
My point to all this babble is to say... “Good for you!” You are living your life how you seen fit. It may not have gone totally as you had planned, but you found what fits for you. Some people aren't meant to have children. (I'm not trying to say that in a bad way.) I have a cousin that has bipolar and her mood swings give us whiplash. You never know from one moment to the next what kind of mood she will be in. She has one child and has been trying for five years to have another. What she doesn't understand is that her bipolar is affecting her son and family. She has major anger issues and will say hurtful things to her child and others in public. For some of us, this is quite embarrassing. To try and step in to help her only causes more outrage. (I realize how hurtful this may sound, but in a way it is a blessing that she hasn't had another child yet.)
So I congratulate you for standing up for what you felt was right. Hopefully your decisions will help others that are faced with this difficult choice. This is a terrific hub! Thanks for sharing it.
Dear Tlpoague,
Being on holiday made me find out about your wonderful comment just now. So much effort you put in here to explain your point. It's true. Some people aren't meant to have children.
The story with your cousin is a painful one. It's the life I could have lived as well. It's a blessing when you truly find a way to live your life, in a different but very satisfying way.
For you to have made choices, different than others at your age at the time, shows how much faith you both had in choosing that way of life. I'm happy to know, everyting went well and still does.
I'm hoping to reach out here to many of the women facing such difficult choices in life. I think it will help them in deciding the best way possible. Thanks for your warm compliments!
Great read. Wonderful verbiage. Deep. A product of a truly-talented person. Keep up the great work.
Dear Kenneth,
I'll do my best, keeping up the great work. Thanks very much for commenting! Glad you liked my Hub:-)
You're very fortunate.....the "strangers" that were in you life rose to the occasion as family would! Although we make choices that may seem irreversible, for whatever reason they magically do the impossible when we least expect it! Good for you and best of wishes.....
Thanks Reetaulk:-)
I strongly believe that everyone you meet in life, is there for a reason. This to me is the magic of destiny, making us take the hardest decisions in life in order to find our way back, to a stronger and better version of yourself.
Best wishes to you too and great to have found you here on Hubpages:-)
wow...incredible words you use describing "us" I'm 65, and only 5 yrs diagnosed. I have 2 children, not sure what my choice would have been 'back then'. Back then there was NO such thing as mentally unstable walking outside of 4 locked walls! I now know, I suffered physical abused from a BD mother, had I not been diagnosed, I'd still be wondering.
After my firstborn, I suffered horrendous "baby blues", doc only said 'yep, you have a problem'. I wanted a child so very bad, but, like I said, how could I have known?
I hope I haven't passed this to my son or daughter, tho, my daughter shows signs. They have no children, and won't, so it won't go any further. My son has no biological child, but his 'son's' mother has a severe BD, very bad. Very bad. My grandson have not heard from her since he was about 13, she was very abusive to him. Odd thing, she lives with one of his (used to be) best friends! They are in love, my grandson was terribly embarrassed and humiliated.
You have a excellent way of expressing yourself! Good job!!
Wow Babara!
Wasn't it 'great' to finally know what has been going on in your life? It must be so difficult, not being diagnosed, left over to the unknown world of Bipolar Disorder, wishing for children, not being aware of any risks.
Your story is quite a story! Your daughter made the right decision I guess. Your son wasn't lucky, neither was your grandson. It's so sad to know, Bipolar Disorder can be so desctructive.
I hope for your son and grandson, to one day see the healthy, loving and caring mother. Deep down she must be. Bipolar Disorder is a serious mental illness. No one really escapes from it, without leaving a scratch.
Thanks so much for responding to my Hub. It's wonderful to feel all the support by 'our fellow Hubbers'. There are so many of 'us'. I love to reach out, like you did too.
A great hub. While most people may want children, it is not the best for all. My niece has bipolar also, and is probably a part of the reason they have chosen to have no children.
Thank you for sharing here. It is important that people realize that kids aren't for everyone, and it doesn't make them weird or evil somehow.
Wilderness:-)
Thanks so much for your kind words. Bipolar women have a hard choice to make and I can imagine your niece had to think it over with her partner.
The truth is, I enjoy my life a lot without having children. The freedom and the possibility of travelling without too much planning, is something I appreciate a lot. Weird or evil indeed it's not.
Even women without any disease to consider, are very normal in my opinion, if they decide to live a life without having children.
Kids are not the only alternative, for having a great life:-)
While I will be forever happy I had 2 children, I recognize that not all want them, or can have them. No, it's not the end of the world if one doesn't have children and as you point out it does open vistas that are not available for those that do.
Best to simply be happy with the choice made, whichever way it went and for whatever reason it was made.
Honest and to the point! Is there truly any other way? Your voice has been heard. Thank you for sharing!
Hi there Sunshine:-)
I don't think there is another way than honesty. Though it cost me some time and bravery to put this all out in the open. Thank you for stopping by!
Thanks to you for sharing. I never thought about the effects that motherhood does have on many women and your thoughtfulness of the fact that it could trigger a downturn. I read this article thinking of someone writing it because of all the sacrifices and changes that having children can cause. You took me in a vastly different and highly informative direction. Voted up and useful.
Express10,
Thank you very much for commenting here. As strange as it may sound, I am glad for not having to make all of those sacrifices. By looking around and observing what happened to my mother-friends and based on the effects on my stability, I still see how I did the right thing.
Motherhood is a hard job and it never stops. Especially the changes would be to hard on me. I'm glad you found the informtation useful!
Thanks for voting!
So insightful and brave, sharing your most intense emotions in this hub is inspiring. What a hard but often right choice to make, not only for you, but for the possible outcome of a child wracked with this often awful illness. Great writing.
Hi there Crazybeanrider:-)
A hard choice it was indeed but I saved myself from a very complicated future. And as you said...I saved my child from an awful illness even though I would have enjoyed motherhood as well.
Thanks for stopping by dear! Means a lot to me seeing you feel inspired by my series of Bipolar Hubs:-)
lostwithinmyself 9 months ago
Thanks for sharing this.. I only got diagnosed with bipolar just over a year ago but i have 3 kids aged, 15,9,6 but i always seem to get worse when i was pregnant and did't know why just thought it was due to be depressed but then when my psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar she did ask was i worse while pregnant and afterwards and i was like yeah i was terrible she said its because of the bipolar but im lucky i am having no more kids and my husband decided to have a vasectomy after my last child was born but caesarian and i had a very hard time with him so decided not to have any more. Im lucky to have my kids and kinda glad i did't find out i had bipolar before having them. :) x